Listen to how you talk to yourself on a hard day. "I always mess up presentations." "They never listen to me." "Everyone here is better at this than I am." These are some of the most common limiting beliefs examples I hear in coaching, and almost none of them are true.
The people saying them mean every word. Their brain just edited the story before they ever got to tell it.
A leader I worked with once opened our session with, "I'm always the one who has to fix everything." We spent 10 minutes on it.
By the end, she had named 4 colleagues who had stepped up that month, one project she hadn't touched at all, and a manager who had offered help she'd turned down. "Always" was carrying a lot of weight in that sentence.
Your brain is protecting your energy. Every second you're surrounded by far more information than you could ever process, so your mind filters it.
In the 1970s, Richard Bandler and John Grinder, the founders of NLP, described 3 filters we all use: deletion, distortion and generalisation. They help us function. They also write most of the stories that keep us stuck.
1. Deletion: what you don't see
Deletion is your brain leaving things out. It's useful: you don't notice the hum of the air conditioning or every face on your commute.
But it also deletes the evidence that doesn't fit the story you already believe.
If you believe you're not good enough, you'll delete the compliment from your manager and remember the one comment from a colleague. If you believe you have no time, you'll delete the hour you spent scrolling. If you believe nobody supports you, you'll delete the 3 people who asked how you were doing this week.
What it sounds like:
- "Nothing went well today."
- "Nobody helped."
- "It's just not working."
The question that catches it: What am I not seeing? Or more specifically: What happened that doesn't fit this story?
Deletion keeps the evidence against your fear out of sight.
2. Distortion: the meaning you add
Distortion is your brain filling the gaps with meaning. It's what lets you read a situation quickly and imagine a future you want. It's also how a short email becomes "she's angry with me", a cancelled meeting becomes "they're losing interest in my project", and a quiet room after your idea becomes "that was a stupid thing to say".
Distortion often shows up as mind-reading (knowing what others think without asking) and cause and effect (believing one thing automatically means another). High performers are especially good at it, because your mind is trained to spot risks and solve problems fast.
The same skill that helps you anticipate problems at work can turn every silence into a threat.
What it sounds like:
- "He didn't reply, so he must be unhappy with my work."
- "If I say no, they'll think I'm not committed."
- "She makes me so angry."
The question that catches it: How do I know that? Then: What else could it mean?
Most of the suffering starts with the meaning you give a situation.
3. Generalisation: one moment becomes a rule
Generalisation is your brain turning one experience into a rule for all of them. It's how you learn that a hot stove burns without touching every stove. It's also how one hard conversation becomes "I'm bad at conflict", and one rejected idea becomes "there's no point speaking up here".
You can usually hear generalisation in the words: always, never, everyone, nobody, nothing, I can't, I have to, I should. These words feel like facts. Usually they're conclusions you drew a long time ago and stopped checking.
What it sounds like:
- "I always procrastinate on the important things."
- "People like me don't get promoted here."
- "I have to do everything myself."
The question that catches it: Always? Has there ever been a time when that wasn't true? And for the "have to" and "can't": What would happen if I did, or didn't?
Generalisation turns a moment into an identity. One question can turn it back into a moment.
Why this matters so much for high performers
Most of the people I work with are smart, self-aware and very good at what they do. That's exactly why these filters are hard to see.
A sharp mind tells itself a story and then builds a very convincing case for it.
Over time, deletion, distortion and generalisation stop being single thoughts and become patterns. They decide which opportunities you go for, which conversations you avoid, and how much you allow yourself to want. That's why changing jobs, cities or plans so often doesn't change how things feel. The filter comes with you. (I wrote more about that in why changing jobs doesn't fix it.)
This is what I mean by self-leadership: noticing the story before you follow it. If you want a fuller picture, start with what self-leadership really is.
A 5-minute exercise: run one sentence through the 3 filters
Take one sentence you've been telling yourself lately. The ones that start with "I always", "I can't", "they never" or "I'm just not" work best. Write it down, then ask:
- Deletion: What am I leaving out? What evidence doesn't fit this?
- Distortion: What meaning have I added? How do I actually know it's true? What else could it mean?
- Generalisation: Is this always true? When was the last time it wasn't?
Finally, rewrite the sentence so it's accurate. It doesn't have to sound positive. "I always mess up presentations" might become: "My last presentation didn't go the way I wanted, and the two before it went well."
Notice how your body responds to the new sentence. That shift, small as it is, is the beginning of choosing your response instead of reacting to a story.
Catch the story early
Your brain will keep deleting, distorting and generalising. That's its job.
What you can do is catch the story early enough that it doesn't get to make your decisions for you.
Start listening for "always" and "never" this week, in your own words first and then in other people's. You'll be surprised how often they appear, and how much changes when you question them.
If you'd like to see which emotional patterns are shaping your stories most, take the free Emotional Intelligence Scorecard. It takes about 3 minutes and shows you where to start.
